That moment you hear that you could possibly have “the C word” changes how you think in life. You start to go to that dark place of what-ifs and then the panic and stress. You feel like your going to die. You can’t eat or sleep. At this point, it’s just a possibility that you could have “the C word” but you are already there. It’s hard to even hear there is a chance you have it right now. Anyone would be scared. Then you get some type of hope that you don’t have it, that it is most likely something else. So now you are okay again. You start living a little more and think “yes, I am going to live”. Then your test come back…and…you have “the C word”. CANCER, IT’S CANCER. The thought of that is so terrifying, to begin with, and to find out that it’s actually true. How can you deal? Well, I don’t really know the answer to that. Everyone is different. They react differently. For me, when I heard those words from my doctor, I was in shock. I had just pulled up to my place after taking my daughter to school and I got the phone call. The doctor said she had my biopsy results. She said, “the biopsy shows that it is cervical cancer, I’m sorry, I was wrong”. I will never forget those words. There are a few things that I will never forget. This just adds to it. She asked me what I was thinking and all I could say is that I was in shock. I was, I was in a big shock. I was told that there’s a chance it could be cancer. I felt like my life was over. Then I was told that it is most likely not cancer and I felt like I owned my life again. Now, today on February 11th, 2019 I was told that I do have cancer and all I could think is that my life was over again. How can you not? How can you think it will be okay and I will live? I felt like I didn’t own my life again. I still feel like I don’t. I keep thinking that, we just had the girls birthdays, a Christmas and a New Year. What if I was given those last special days because it is my time to go? I don’t feel like it is my time and I don’t think it is my time but you can’t help to wonder. All I think right now is please God, I am not ready to go. I have too much to live for. I need to be here for my family. I also think, what if this is it. What if it really is my time to go. Please God, I am not ready. I promise I am worth keeping around. I will fight this no matter how hard it is. I got this. These thoughts go through my mind over and over again. I’m trying to be strong for my family but all I want to do is just break down. I am scared but I need to be okay. I will get through this like most women do. I will one day call myself a cancer survivor and be proud I kicked it’s ass. God Bless.

-Lady Kitsune

It’s hard to stay positive, especially for me. I can’t help but go to the worst thought of all after hearing bad news or needing something to just go my way for once. life isn’t easy, it can be wonderful but hard and stressful. There is so much to worry about in life. It’s hard hearing from others to just stay positive and It will be okay when sometimes that’s just not the case. When it does turn out good, you did all that worrying for nothing but I would rather worry about nothing than it be something. I do try to stay positive. I look at the good options but then my brain is back at it again and it just keeps going and before you know it I have convinced myself that this is the end. I have an anxiety disorder and OCD so my brain is just that much worse. All the stress I put on my body every day is so bad for it and I know that but I still get lost in my head. It’s hard to live some days. I look at my family and I know I have to be here for them. They are my world. If I could just stay positive, maybe then I could find peace in my heart.

-Lady Kitsune

I tend to start stuff and not finish it. I either lose interest because I get bored of it or I give up. A part of it for me is that I have the motivation to do something at first then my motivation just goes away in a blink of an eye. I don’t know why I work that way. It’s quite annoying because I feel like I gave up when I just lost the drive to finish it. I want to keep going. You never know what something could turn into to. I need to learn to push myself. Find a way to keep my motivation. Some things are just ongoing like this blog I’m doing. I will keep going and push for it. I want to do something with my life. I want to keep going to find something I enjoy, something I can work on. I’m just a girl in this big world full of life trying to find her self. Even tho I do have a family, I’m still looking for me and who I am. I will get there. I just have to keep going.

-Lady Kitsune

I’ve been having some tests done, along with an ultrasound. I found out that I have a 4cm mass on my cervix. Since then, I have been losing it. We don’t know exactly what it is yet but the fact that it could be cervical cancer is making me lose it. I have an anxiety disorder that I do take as needed medication for but sometimes it just doesn’t help. I am stuck in my head with this. When I’m out and I see other people just living life and being healthy, I wish I was like that, healthy and happy. Now, I know not everyone is healthy and happy. I know that there are others out there just like me, with health problems. I just feel it’s not fair. I already have things going on with myself and this is the biggest so far. I am hoping with all my might that this will be it for me. It’s not even over yet. I don’t know what’s going to happen. Right now all I can do is sit in my head. On top of that, two days after I was given the bad news, my sweet Aunt passed away. I just broke. All I wanted to do was go in my room and cry. I didn’t even get to say goodbye to her and it hurts. I have never stressed so much in my life. I am now starting to lose hair and lose weight which I don’t mind that part, to be honest, but my hair? I keep thinking who am I to get a pass in life and to live on. Well, I am a mother to two beautiful and smart daughters who need me to be there for them. I am a wife to an amazing husband that needs me there right by his side. I know, without me things would fall apart. I need to be here for my family and I will fight until my last breath. Still, who am I? No one is perfect and some learn from there mistakes, and I am one of them. So many thoughts going through my head, so many emotions. Even though they don’t know exactly what it is, they talk like they do and I feel it’s the one thing I fear the most. I love my family so much and even in the afterlife, I know I will be lonely without them. I have to get past this and move on, I keep saying to myself but in my head its different. I look at my family and see what I will miss. I try to enjoy my life but I can’t because I am stuck in my head. My body is drained from all the stress and panic attacks. I try not to be alone for too long because it just makes it worse. I find myself talking like these days are my last and that’s not true. I don’t feel like it’s my time but you never know. All I know is that I need to be okay. I need to live. I am so thankful for all the support I have from my family. Every day they make sure I am okay and reinsure me I will be fine. In a way, this makes me sad because they are so loving and caring and I can’t lose that. I am not doing well right now. I just pray that whatever this is, I will recover, be okay and that will be it.

-Lady Kitsune

I use to think that everything had a time limit. For example, like starting something new by a certain age or no one will want to hear from you, or like for me starting a blog after hearing some unfortunate news that could possibly affect my life. As I sat there and thought “out loud” because who doesn’t talk to themselves, “it’s not too late”. I have been wanting to start something for me. Something to work on, like I don’t already have enough on my plate as it is. Something that I created before my time was up. So I will try and do all I can because life really is too short. It feels good too know it’s never to late for anything. You just have to get out and do it. Open up and say what you have been wanting to say. Set yourself free and live for today because tomorrow its promised. Do it for yourself, you deserve it.

-Lady Kitsune