Health Issues are Scary

I’ve been having some tests done, along with an ultrasound. I found out that I have a 4cm mass on my cervix. Since then, I have been losing it. We don’t know exactly what it is yet but the fact that it could be cervical cancer is making me lose it. I have an anxiety disorder that I do take as needed medication for but sometimes it just doesn’t help. I am stuck in my head with this. When I’m out and I see other people just living life and being healthy, I wish I was like that, healthy and happy. Now, I know not everyone is healthy and happy. I know that there are others out there just like me, with health problems. I just feel it’s not fair. I already have things going on with myself and this is the biggest so far. I am hoping with all my might that this will be it for me. It’s not even over yet. I don’t know what’s going to happen. Right now all I can do is sit in my head. On top of that, two days after I was given the bad news, my sweet Aunt passed away. I just broke. All I wanted to do was go in my room and cry. I didn’t even get to say goodbye to her and it hurts. I have never stressed so much in my life. I am now starting to lose hair and lose weight which I don’t mind that part, to be honest, but my hair? I keep thinking who am I to get a pass in life and to live on. Well, I am a mother to two beautiful and smart daughters who need me to be there for them. I am a wife to an amazing husband that needs me there right by his side. I know, without me things would fall apart. I need to be here for my family and I will fight until my last breath. Still, who am I? No one is perfect and some learn from there mistakes, and I am one of them. So many thoughts going through my head, so many emotions. Even though they don’t know exactly what it is, they talk like they do and I feel it’s the one thing I fear the most. I love my family so much and even in the afterlife, I know I will be lonely without them. I have to get past this and move on, I keep saying to myself but in my head its different. I look at my family and see what I will miss. I try to enjoy my life but I can’t because I am stuck in my head. My body is drained from all the stress and panic attacks. I try not to be alone for too long because it just makes it worse. I find myself talking like these days are my last and that’s not true. I don’t feel like it’s my time but you never know. All I know is that I need to be okay. I need to live. I am so thankful for all the support I have from my family. Every day they make sure I am okay and reinsure me I will be fine. In a way, this makes me sad because they are so loving and caring and I can’t lose that. I am not doing well right now. I just pray that whatever this is, I will recover, be okay and that will be it.

-Lady Kitsune