Devastated all over again.

So…it didn’t work, well not all the way? The treatment didn’t kill the cancer and it didn’t cure me. I can’t explain how I fell because I don’t know how I feel. I have too many emotions about all this. I feel angry, I guess more than anything. I will not let this nasty disease get me. I can’t let it. I need to live. I’m in my head freaking out one minute than the next I am still here. One minute I’m dead and the next I’m alive and well. I feel like I have an expiration date. I know I don’t but it still feels like it. I’m more devastated for my family. I can’t leave them. They really need me. We just go too well together. Is that why this is happening to us? Because we are meant to be. I feel like there is a reason this happened and I want to know why. It’s like okay, I got cancer, so let me beat it and live on. I’ll tell my story and I’ll raise awareness, I’ll do what you want. Just let me beat this. When we first heard the bad news for the second time, I didn’t really cry. I was just in disbelief. Like are you kidding me. Well, here we go again. I’m back to square A. My husband cried more than I did. When I got home and told my mom, I cried. I just, have to win. I don’t want to cry over this anymore. I need to stay strong. I know this is very serious and this is my life but me making it out to almost be not a big deal right now is what helps me cope and deal with it. I have to treat is as a regular sickness for now, so I don’t go to that dark and depressing place. That, I guess is my way of coping with it? I feel like a burden. All of our money is going to this. I feel like just stopping it all and dying sometimes. I don’t wan’t to put my family through this anymore. I look at them and I feel bad that they have to deal with this too. But than I look at them and I see them and how they need me. Yes, eventually they would be okay without me but they will always need me. Especially my girls, they need me the most. Out of everyone I know and who knows my girls, I wanted them the most. I asked god for them. I had my first daughter in high school and yes, I asked for her. I felt alone in this world and no one could make me happy. Than I got pregnant and I felt happy. I felt like I had a purpose. I knew I wanted to be a mommy from a young age. Then, when I got with my husband, there were a couple of times where I was trying to get pregnant and when that test came back negative, I was heartbroken every single time. I cried sometimes. I really wanted an other baby. Then, when I gave up, I finally become pregnant again. I was so happy. That’s all I ever wanted to be was a mommy. I wanted more kids but this F***ing disease took that from me. I wanted my kids more than anyone on earth and now this disease is trying to take that from me. NO, NO I won’t have it dammit. I have a whole family that won’t have it. You can’t have me. I keep asking, why does it have to be cancer. There is a lot of other diseases out there but you want to give me cancer? No one want’s a disease but I would rather have a different one than this one. My husband asked me, “how do you stay so positive all the time”. I said, “Because I have faith, I can’t let this get to me”. I do have my moments. I get in my head sometimes and wan’t to freak out, but I don’t want to cry anymore over this. At least not right now. I will never give into this disease. I’m a Warrior Princess and I will win and become a Warrior Queen.

-Lady Kitsune