Life after treatment

Life after treatment has been…hard. I still think “what if”. I still look at the stuff I have and think, okay I have two girls so they can use it. My husband built me an all pink computer and bought pink accessories for it because I love pink and wanted a pink computer, and I was looking at it and I thought to myself, at least my daughter can have it if anything happens. It was just an automatic thought. My family keeps telling me to stop saying “what if” but I just cant help it. That’s the way I think now. I thought this way ever since I found out about my cancer. I am so thankful to still be here and so thankful to my family and friends who have been by my side. I am so thankful to all my doctors, nurses and everyone who was involved in my treatment. I still have a long road ahead of me and I just know that things could change in a blink of an eye. Right now, I’m just trying to get back to where I was but I fell like it wont happen. I feel like I will never be the same again. I don’t want cancer to define me but I will always be known as someone who has or had cancer. My body has been amazing and I have had just a couple of side affects so far. I don’t know if more will come as I go, but I will deal with it then. I am overwhelmed most days and all I want to do is just crawl up in a ball and be left alone. I have never been more depressed in my life. I feel sad and down. I have good moments too but it’s hard to feel happy. I am praying at my next appointment they tell me my tumor is gone. I feel like no matter what news I get I will still be down because, it can just come back. I could have to go through this again or worse and of course I will if I have to but it’s just discouraging. I feel like I need a break. I don’t take care of myself well enough and that’s part of the problem too. I need to work on a lot, especially with myself and I will. I just need time to get use to my new life after all this. I pray things get better and most of all I pray that I beat this and I don’t ever have to look back again.

-Lady kitsune