The Treatment Plan

After you get sick, there is always a treatment plan even if it’s just a cold you still have to have a plan to get rest or go to the store and buy some relief medicine to get well. For me, it’s for my cancer. When you’re in the back room waiting for the doctor to come in, you have so many thoughts of what am I going to have to go through to be well again. It could be anything and looking on Dr. Google is of no help. All it does is make it worse or you don’t find what you were looking for. So he comes in and introduces himself to my husband and I then asks a few questions and you’re just like okay I have this. Then he starts talking about the treatment you will be having. I already knew some of it and as scary as it sounded I was okay, I thought “yes it sounds scary but there are others out there that did and do this so can I”. Well, Its definitely easier said than done. He tells me more in detail what I have to do and how it will affect me. I already have to go through a surgery, tomorrow, and now I have to go through another one a few weeks later. My treatment plan didn’t change, I just found out exactly what I was going to be doing and it’s hard to hear. I hear what he is saying and I get what he is saying because in my mind I’m thinking “oh crap, what” and I want to freak out but it’s like my mind or whatever it is won’t let me burst. At this point, I just want to go home and be with my family. It’s sad because we could at any time just go, you know, pass away and that scares me of course because I don’t only have my life to worry about, I also have my kids, husband and my family’s life to worry about too. I have to worry about my cancer coming back or getting a different type of cancer. I have to worry about my family getting sick. There is too much to worry about and I know I shouldn’t and just live life but how can I. I don’t want anything to happen to them. I see what I’m going through now and it’s terrifying and it could be worse than this too. I can’t imagine seeing a loved one going through this, feeling this way. Life is too precious and we seem to take it for granted. You just can’t do that. Anyway, so back to the treatment plan. It is very overwhelming and stressful. It’s really a lot to explain and half of it I don’t even know how to explain it. I have to have chemo and radiation but there are more details to it. I have to have surgery tomorrow to move my ovaries so that there is a chance they can save them and if not it can take years off my life. I have to have a second surgery to insert a sleeve inside for a part of my radiation treatment. My treatments are lengthy, up to 5 hours a day every day for a couple of months. I know I am young and my body should be able to handle it but I am still scared that it won’t. What if it does a lot of damage or even permanent damage. I will have to live with it but it’s not how you think your life will be like. I know shit happens and we have to get past it and move on and I will once this is all over but you never know what will happen but in the meantime, I’m stressed and full of anxiety. I have moments of weakness. Am I strong enough to do this? I wish I had more time but I don’t. I have to get this over with. I have to get past this. I know all this but like I said, it’s easier said than done.

-Lady Kitsune